My food addiction

My addiction took me to hiding my fix, consuming it in the shadows and avoiding friends and family. It cost me promotions, credibility, and quality time with my son. My addiction owned me, told me what to do, when to do it and where to go to get it. My addiction trained me that when I left the house, I would never return without it. My addiction caused my body to fail me, pain to creep in, and my addiction, no matter how much I loaded up on it, was never enough - my addiction was insatiable. My addiction told me not to care about the way I looked or even try at self-care - the fix was all I needed to be happy. The fix was my only friend at times. My addiction stole my 20s from me (where I spent most of it alone in my apartment), part of my 30s, 40s and beyond. My addiction was chemical -based, downregulating my dopamine receptors and keeping me in a constant loop of "never enough". But, I never knew it was an addiction. I thought that this addiction was a self-control problem, but I always wondered, "There's no way that skinny people think the same way I do about food. I think about it all day, wake up at night wanting to eat and can't stop the chatter, the pull to the pantry . . .the chatter is never not there . . . ever. There's no way they spend all day fighting the chatter then indulging, fighting the chatter, then indulging, over and over. There is no way a skinny person is this obsessed and just using better self-control. There. Is. No. Way." It took me 50+ years to figure this out: Food, particularly highly-processed food, can have the same addictive recourse on your brain that any other highly refined drug can. It can take over who you are and take away your freedom, and 95 pounds off and 18 months after this realization, I am better equipped to handle to chatter when it rolls around again. Every day is a fight for freedom from this - a challenge I accept each day with pride. Rezoom by Susan Peirce Thompson changed my life.