New Patient Story

I was sexually abused by my stepfather from age 10 years to 18 years. When I finally told my mom at age 17, she told me to go take a lie detector test. I was a gifted and sensitive child, high achieving and creative. But my stepdad and stepmother were allowed to say things to me like "you'll be pregnant or in jail before you're 18." We were poor, apparently. My parents could afford cigarettes, which they smoked in the house and in the car with me in it, but they couldn't afford to pay for medical care or dental care for me and my siblings. Despite the cards stacked against me, I graduated at the top of my high school class and at the top of my nursing program. I never felt like I belonged and have always struggled with emotional regulation, reactivity, and feelings of worthlessness. I started binge drinking to numb the grief at age 26. Still, I continued to be successful, going on to earn my bachelor's degree, then embarking on a travel-nursing journey, made what I thought was my "adopted family" in several friendships, bought a house, managed to be physically fit, and to have a couple of long-term relationships. I've been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old. I finally tried to kill myself a little over a year ago. I wasn't successful. I then decided to quit drinking, and I've been sober for 10 months. Guess where all my friends are now? Gone. Turns out they were conditional friends. I have little to no support. I feel like if I died today, no one would give a damn. I've dedicated my life to trying to help heal the world and myself, and I don't get any recognition. In fact, we aren't ALLOWED to talk about our jobs are we? Meanwhile my partner is constantly celebrated for being this amazing entertainer. He has so many friends and allies and people loving on him and supporting him. I resent him for it. And I resent myself for being entitled just like the rest of this forsaken country. I'm really really good at my job. I'm the only nurse who hasn't called out for 7 months. I'm reliable with a dedication to integrity. And do I get recognized at my job? No. I'm taken for granted every single day. Just when I think I'll leave this all behind and move somewhere else, I get paralyzed with grief. Stay in bed and type my story on a stupid work forum where everything is anonymous, and no one is going to know who I am. Then I'll self-sooth with nachos and go to bed. And I'll wake up feeling like I can go on. And I do. I will go on.