New Patient Story

TRIGGER WARNING-I had been a nurse for over 13 years when I experienced the worst code blue imaginable. On September 27, 2013, I attempted to waken my 17-year-old for a mental health evaluation appointment. He had just been diagnosed with depression and discharged from the hospital the day prior after an incident that uncovered hidden self-harm marks. My son was not someone who appeared to struggle with depression. He was silly, social, loved football, the outdoors, had friends, a dog he adored and a supportive family. I was an experienced nurse who had cared for countless suicide survivors and had extensive experience on recognizing the signs of depression and suicide. Yet here I was, failing to resuscitate my dead child. My inefficient and distraught code team consisted of my CPR trained husband, our overwhelmed 12-year old daughter and our frightened 3-year old son. None of that mattered because no code team or certification could help our sweet boy. My years of prior experience could not prepare me for this moment. My own faith seemed to fail me as I prayed for God to please breath life back into my cold child. Our beautiful, talented son had so much to live for, yet he was dead at the age of 17. I know now that God did not fail me. Depression combined with the shame of failure was more than my son's young brain could comprehend. He had failed himself and in his unwell state of mind, decided his life was not worth living. People often believe that suicide is a planned and well thought out decision. In some cases, it can be. In others, it is more like split second decision to jump to your own death-or be burned alive. September is suicide prevention month. It is also a reminder of our son's fatal decision. Help was coming but he was blinded by the darkness of depression. He should be here. We all make mistakes and look back years later and wonder why at the time it felt so much bigger than it really was. My son, and over 50,000 Americans that died by suicide last year should be here. My ask is that you do not wait until you are faced with that decision to jump or face a long, painful death. Have a plan NOW. And if you find yourself in that situation, ask for help! H-HOLD ME E-EXPLAIN MY OPTIONS L-LISTEN TO ME P-PLAN FOR MY SAFETY My son's images can be used to accompany this story if you perform a Google search, Isaiah Ziegler Suicide Prevention. I have been actively involved in suicide prevention efforts and will continue to advocate so that no child is left waiting for prior authorization from an insurance company to get help, when they need it now.