New Patient Story

My first memory of my life was with my older sister; she was curious towards my body she was just one year older than me , she took off her diaper and mine and then we just looked at each other private parts and my mom came in for some reason we both were locked up in a closet and I remember my mom screaming and just started to throw all types of kitchen utensils forks and spoon at me. I was confused because we were very young. After that from age 4 to 12 my sister and I just did adult actions towards each other mostly her trying all her sex position while i'm laying down; she started most of the time and when I tried to initiate I felt disgusted with myself even more when i done it with my younger sister I felt like a monster and just stop. Throughout my entire life I was addicted to watching porn and playing video games to escape reality and missing everything due to it. As a child I had adult insecurities and trauma at such a young age that made me a non functional human on top of moving each year it was horrible. I regret going with the flow now I'm behind in everything; I basically need to start from scratch. My single mother was my own bully; she demoralized me and overly abused me physically. My own mother would call me fat, ugly, unwanted child, stupid, a nobody, a loser, saying that I was a mistake, say she brought Me in this world and can take me out of it, and she almost had an abortion with me . I feared for my life , I blamed and curse at God, I told him I want to live at least till 18 and survive my mother abused. My worst abuse would be her choking me with her own hands passing out i dont know how i did not die . My school life was just nearly as bad as it was at home. I was bullied because I was ugly, fat, and I had speech problems and a loser. The only way for Me to have friends was to be the class clown and act less intelligent than people around me. I knew I was a smart kid but I had to be dumb so people can keep me in their friend group, I was fake as a person and had different personalities for each friend group I was in. My friends used me for entertainment and constantly peer pressured me to do things. I constantly looked down and was a mute by choices because no child would understand what I was going through. I was a passive suicidal person I always thought of killing myself or have a knife at my wrist while looking at the mirror telling myself I'm a loser and a nobody ( as a child i new how to cut one self to turely bleed out ) . The only reason why I never commit suicide was that I told myself as a child that other children in the world are slaves, trafficked, went through war, and third world children suffer more so I had to edure cause other child has. Cps visited me about 15 to 20 times but couldn't do nothing or my mom made us all lie or she hurt/kill the one that snitch or we will never see each other, six kids in total my mother had. She sacrificed my happiness and hers for the other children's happiness . My father was never in the picture and when he did try to show up I rejected him because he was a wife beater, and had kids all over the North America continent. My first step dad was black and my moms family disowned my mother cause of that , I learn at a young age that every race has groups that are racist. Eventually they caved in and started to accept. Since my mother was an immigrant she almost past me immigrants mentality, I was just a yes person toward all Americans. I lived a male version of snow white, my other siblings can go outside and play with friends while I clean, help cook, and get lock up in my room plus my mother didn't let me hang out with my so called friend . People only want to be my friend because they want to be with my sister, so I gave up on friendships. My mother also made me hate men at a young age and that made me judge boys' actions and thinking they are toxic or bad just like man which was very wrong. My first ever relationship was during covid 19 and that was my first time ever dating(plus it was a poly relationship) , it failed because I need a lot to work on myself. I was a horrible human being in my first ever relationship, but recently my ex has reconnected and forgive me for what I done towards her and I also forgive what she put me through. I told her all what I wrote here to her and she still put me though so much trauma. The most regrettable thing I have done was that I killed my ex-girlfriend's pets , I told her after we broke up . We didn't talk for a year, I just stopped living life and fell even deeper into depression(stop playing video games and eating once a day or every other day, poor hygiene so people can stay away from me and ect.) . Even though my ex-girlfriend forgave me I hate myself more, I can't even look at any animal without being sad or on the verge of tears . Every adult that came in contact with my child self failed me instead of inspiring hope they just demoralized me and say I wouldn't amount to anything. In middle school I overheard a teacher saying he's Mexicans there plenty of them coming from the border don't worry about one , I just gave up trying school after that. My own mother and a doctor took away my culture from me, I used to speak Spanish as my first language and then learning English but because I had a big overbite I was having a hard time with words so an American doctor told my mom to stop speaking Spanish and only speak English to me, and my mom stop teaching/speaking Spanish towards me. As a child that couldn't speak Spanish but all my cousins and Mexicans friends can I was called a white boy all the time and was excluded from activities/talks and felt even more isolated. My 25 years on this planet I was never once happy and my depression was winning. I was constantly living in my past. I hated that my potential was crushed by my mental state. Trying to find a job that does not have a toxic work environment for low tier workers was hard. This hospital needs work but it is better than most jobs. My last job was at a homeless shelter. It was eye opening that every system in America is a half thought out idea without any actual support in between there at least 15 to 20 different groups that trying to get housing. I talk to many homeless people and just listen and I was like damn my childhood was very close to yours but I don't tell anyone about my life due to not wanting others to feel like i'm trying to up them on trauma. Maybe because I'm young and been observing man, woman,LGBTQIA+ community, religious people my whole life that I'm tired of toxicity from within all groups I don't know why we can't meet in the middle at the end of the day we all live and die. My sister best friend in high-school commit suicide because he was gay, I still remember his name Kyle. He was a good kid. I hate that mainstream social media, government, states and cities are dividing us and making us hate each other. I tried to stop thinking negatively. My ex-girlfriend is helping me with my healing journey and recommended the R.I.S.E program. I'm on the waiting list but I know my healing journey is going to take ten plus years. I passed the lowest I can be hopeful I can live life like everyone else. My story might be all over and not have good grammar so sorry in advance. Since working lower tier Jobs at the age of 18 , most low tier job don't required writing and socializing so I am not at the same level as others like the college workers.